IT HAS TO BE SAID

Those of you that know me will know that the last few weeks have been something of a personal disaster. However, the reason for this post is more to do with the after effects of recent events. When I first came to Cheltenham about 9 years ago, I was not a huge fan. I did not settle very well and often thought that this was not a place where I could see myself staying. However, over the last 4 years, since I joined Trinity, I have made some of the best friends a person could ask for. Those friendships have developed over time and in the last few weeks have been nothing short of critical to me. I have received so much help, both practical and emotional, that any man would feel humbled to be so fortunate. So I wanted to say to all of you, that if a man can be judged by his friends, then I am a wealthy man indeed. Thank you, you have no idea how important you have all been to me.

MY FAVOURITE WORD

BLUNDERBUSS

Personal Secrets No1

I LOVE jigsaws, especially 'Where is Wally' type ones.

HARVARD!!!!!!!!!!

I read a fantastic article in 'The Times' this week regarding the Harvard Business School. In their welcome pack for new students, it states that you should 'Leave the guitar at home and do not bring your English Literature and History books. Do bring the diverse you'. I do not know about you, but the diverse me includes reading and playing the guitar very badly. To be told that you should only bring business related books seems to somewhat fly in the face of the educational experience. Nearly every picture of Harvard is so bucolic that it looks as though George Washington should be stood by the gun (bike shed did not feel relevant) shed grabbing a quick fag! It just really grates against me when venerable institutions get just a bit too venerable for their own good. 94% of Harvard Alumni walk straight into Wall Street institutions, so they must be good at what they do I suppose. Over here, you can get a first at Oxford and still end up asking someone if they want 'fries with that'.

APATHY!!!

I was reflecting last night on how my views have changed on so many things last night and it actually made me quite depressed. One of my 'A' levels was 'Political Studies', and without question, it was my favourite subject. However, at 45, I have had every last vestige of interest kicked out of me by the charaltans (thanks Al)in that pompous madhouse called Parliament. From the effete, to the stupid, to the downright dishonest, our representatives seem to be incapable of doing a job worthy of their position. I am not just talking about this because of the downturn in our economy. Most people understand that you cannot have economic growth indefinately and that recession is a cyclical process, regardless of who is in power. I fully understand that policy influences how and when that might happen, but it does not enable us to dodge the bullet of restricted growth forever.
No, my mood is more to do with the people who sit on either side of the house and the manner in which they conduct themselves. Do you believe that your MP represents what you believe, that he fights your corner? I believe that most are looking to kiss the right amount of senior arses so that they can get more money.....not a better job, just more money. I think there was a time where being an MP was vocational, you were proud to be one. Maybe they should look at teachers and nurses and see if they can remember what vocational actually means. If you were to find out what your MP is paid and the 'perks' they get with their job, you would be horrified, and do not get me started on Cabinet Ministers and their commercial directorships.
I am furious with myself for not caring, but I cannot watch this political farce anymore. I GIVE UP...........and I have not even started on the House of Lords!!!

NIRVANA

Those of you that know me well, will know that I have a thing for the blues. Well I think I heard one of the finest songs of my life today. By the absolutely incredible 'Blind Boys of Alabama', the track is called 'You and your folks/Psalm 23'. This lot formed at the 'Alabama Institute for the Negro Blind' in the 30's and the three founding members are indeed all as blind as the proverbial bats. However, what they lose in the vision department, they make up for in the vocal department. I know it is .79 pence, but screw it, just buy the track and you will not regret it. This is as close as it gets for me. It just goes to prove, some things get better with age.

NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN

Well, it appears it is time for me to go on another road trip. This time it is to Devon with some other reprobates. The excuse for this trip is so that we can do a spot of surfing. Above is how I imagine myself when I hit the sea, below is how I suspect I actually look.

We will of course be camping, which in itself will pose a whole raft of problems. We will have to erect a large tent in near darkness after a couple of beers. Our saving grace however, is that Captain Al will be there to marshall us all. Left to myself and Mark Clemence, we would undoubtedly be sleeping outside. Anyway, I shall return with pictures to relay what a complete and utter shambles of a weekend it was and how Al wore his jumper round his shoulders, like a member of a boating club, the whole time (borrowed that from a genius e-mail I got yesterday, which was both hilarious and unprintable).

SNOW IN JULY

Most of you will know that last weekend Hugh and I made our assault on the mighty Ben Nevis. I am going to do a big post with some of the pictures when Hugh has sent them over to me, but I thought you might enjoy this. We thought that this (the back one of the two) was it, as you can see the summit is covered in cloud. Actually, the Ben is behind this mountain and is about another 1000ft up into the worst weather you can imagine in this country. The temperature at the top was -2 and it rained, sleeted, hailstoned and snowed on us. It took over four hours to get up, during which time we saw two people being rescued (always a comforting site when you are on your way up!!). The Glen of Nevis is jaw droppingly beautiful and I did get the urge to shout "FREEDOM" a lot, even though I am patently English. The view from the top is less than spectacular, you can see about the same distance as you are from your computer screen right now. You also have to contend with the light brigade style charge of about seventy gazillion (it's a lot) mozzers every time you step outside. I reckon I lost 95 thousand pints of blood.

It was a great place, although it is not hard to see how people die up there. There are several vertical ice walls with massive drops a few feet from the summit route, and the cloud makes it difficult if you lose your way. Needless to say, we did not smoke our Cuban stogies at the top, they would have disintegrated in minutes. Just so you know how tired we were when we got back, we had just three pints (the shame). In a masochistic way, it was a really great weekend, so much so that we are going to have a crack at Scafell and Snowdon, although I may need to think about the latter, as it means going to Wales.

70's DEATHTRAP

Behold....the biggest piece of crap ever to be allowed on British roads, the Bondbug. It came in one colour (guess) and was so inherently dangerous it was beyond belief. It was inspired by a piece of cheese and quite frankly, you might as well have been driving a piece of cheese. Only the Sinclair C5 could claim to be more stupid. A great car for the growing family!!!!!!!

Dig the groovy Pans People style chick used to sell you one.

PS. Nai, if you are reading this, none of it will make sense to you.

70's RULE

I am launching a campaign to bring items from the 1970's back into our lives. First off is the Ronco Buttoneer. This was for people too stupid to sew buttons on to their clothes. Instead, you got out your trusty buttoneer and fired a plastic tag (came in all shapes and sizes to suit different clothes) into your garment. Hey presto, no need for sewing. Not only did you now have a lovely plastic tag on your favourite shirt, but you also have a massive hole where the tag went through. You can still buy them on ebay, all my friends can expect one for xmas.

RUBBISH!!!

My art top ten has become my Nemesis. It varies so wildly from day to day that I am finding it difficult to complete. However, it is annoying me to such a degree that I will soon stop prevaricating and post it (yeah yeah). However, this weekend I am off to scale this little beastie. At 4,406ft, Ben Nevis stands above all others in the UK and doesn't she look wonderful. Hugh and I will scale it on Sunday after a couple of beers on Saturday night, and then when we have done it, we will celebrate by having a couple of hundred beers on Sunday night. It does seem slightly ridiculous driving for 18 hours to attempt something that will no doubt do wonders for my already gadget knee, but it just looks too good to resist. Of course, we all know what will happen. We will get a cold snap in Fort William this weekend and Hugh and I will be like a couple of little ice pops on top of a really big hill.

PANTS!!!!!!!

That is what my efforts to get my art top ten up have been. Hoggstar pointed out my tardy efforts, so I have committed to getting the list up by Friday of THIS WEEK. I have found that more than any other (apart from maybe music), my feelings change about what should be in the list with my mood. So the top ten I am about to post one day, looks wrong the next. With that in mind, I am going maintain a state of mild elation for the rest of the week, thereby ensuring continuity of thought. So if you see me, do not upset me.

CHEERS YOU LOT

It has been a strange few days, but I wanted to say thanks to all those people who have been so understanding and supportive, you know who you are. Whilst it cannot change feelings or events, it is just nice to know people are thinking about you. The picture has nothing to do with this, I just thought it was funny. Anyway, I'm back and my art top ten will be here before the end of the weekend.

Louis Martin Rayfield 1924-2008

Those of you that know me will know by now that my dad died on Saturday morning at 9.46am. All I can say to those that are reading this, is that you should take every chance to make sure that you let those you care about know how you feel. When we love someone, we hope our actions speak for us, but I fear that is not the case. We have to say it, loudly and regularly. As for me, my Dad knew I loved him and I already miss him more than I thought possible. In a way, that last few days for us was the best we had had together in years.
I will miss you Dad.
All my love
Your Son.

NEXT TOP TEN

My next list will be my favourite pieces of art. This will cover the world of painting and sculpture and will not include any of the 'new' forms of art peddled by bohemian airheads, who have managed to convince someone like Gilbert and George that they are the next big thing. Take it as red that I think pickled sharks and a tent with lots on conquests names on it do not constitute art............they constitute a load of b******s.

MIND OF A CHILD

I know that I have the mind of a child, but I don't care. The compilation of this list has given me hours of entertainment. Chrystal Tips rightly pointed out that I am horribly late with this post, but this is a subject close to my infantile heart, so I wanted to do a good job.

10. The Hair Bear Bunch


Hair, Bubi and Square bear. Launched in 1971, this cartoon was one of the loves of my early life. Each show had an identical format, with the bears breaking out of the zoo in which they lived, and being pursued by Eustace Peevely the keeper. I think it is entirely possible that the writer at Hannah Barbera who came up with the idea of a hippy bear with an afro, might possibly have been partial to the odd doobie himself.

9. Mickey Mouse.
I am not actually that big a fan, but I have to include him for one reason alone, Steamboat Willie. On November 18th 1928, the first cartoon with dialogue, sound effects, music and images was released. Starring Mickey, it went on to become a massive hit and Launched Walt Disney on the road to global domination.

8. Top Cat
Only 30 episodes of this cartoon were ever made and yet it is still on the box today. Believe it or not, they were all made in 1961/62. The cartoon was based loosely on the Phil Silvers Show. The little blue cat (Benny) was made to look like a character from the show called Duane Doberman who actually voiced Benny in the cartoon.

7. Sergeant Blast and Private Meekly.

My favourite characters from the fantastic Whacky Racers. Others included the Slag Brothers, the Red Max in the Crimson Haybailer, Rufus Ruffcut in the Buzzwagon, The Ant Hill Mob in the Bullet Proof Bomb and Dick and Muttley in the Mean Machine. I just loved the name Meekly, a name the character fully lived up to. Again, horrified to learn that they were all made between 1968 and 1970. Where has my life gone?

6. Mel Blanc

Mel Blanc was the man behind the voice of all of the characters in the picture above. He voiced over 1000 cartoons during what is often referred to as the 'golden age of animation'. This cel is called, rather movingly, Speechless. The studio produced it after his death in 1989. If you ever get time, look up his interview on You Tube. Every time he says something, it is like a trip down memory lane. All these cartoons were were made from the early forties onwards, and Mel became synonymous with practically every classic cartoon character from that period.

5. Baloo

The 1967 production of 'Jungle Book' contained one of the finest characters ever created by Disney. Baloo bear was voiced by an 1940's big band leader called Phil Harris who got the job after he was heard talking on the radio. Best friend to Mowgli and arch enemy of Sheer Khan, he sang probably the most famous song written by the Disney studio. Go on.......tell me you're not singing it now!

4. Homer Simpson.

The role model for millions of American fathers. Now in its nineteenth season, the Simpsons continues to entertain with consistently superlative writing. There is a nice little homage in the cast list. Mayor Quimby was given his name in remembrance of Fred Quimby, director of most of the early Hanna Barbera greats. I am frightened to admit it, but I see flashes of Homer in myself. I love the adaptation of Leonardo's Vitruvian Man, with Homers most treasured possessions in each hand.

3. Puss in Boots

The funniest cartoon character ever created. Not No1, because it only appeared in one really good film. A stroke of genius to have Antonio Benderas voicing the part, a man that other men will begrudgingly admit seems to be a good looking sort of chap (no gay remarks please). The scene in Shrek 3 where Puss and Donkey swap bodies and puss tries his innocent look (above) is true genius.

2. Tom and Jerry

Created between 1940 and 1958, this is the most played series in television history. Mostly directed by the legendary Chuck Jones, this cartoon is still a joy to watch. Using animation physics (a drawing technique to make bodies replicate the object hitting them), Tom and Jerry was highly innovative in its day. Originally Tom was called Jasper and is identified as a Russian Blue cat. In the 18 years of the original series, both characters only ever spoke once. I still think the pin in the backside, red face and delayed scream is one of the best visual gags ever.

1. Wile E Coyote

The funniest cartoon ever, bar none. Launched in 1952, Wile was the unlucky pursuer of the Roadrunner. Using contraptions supplied by Acme, Wile spent every episode getting blown up or falling off a cliff. His Latin name (always in brackets at the start of the cartoon) was the same for the first three shows, 'Carnivorous Vulgaris', but was different for nearly every show after that. The little black puff of smoke from the canyon floor gets me every time.

So there it is. These hand drawn masterpieces are an integral part of visual culture. They also make me laugh like a drain. That's all folks

TOP TEN FOR THIS FRIDAY

The literary list exhausted what little education I have, so this Friday will be the ten best cartoon characters. One thing in this list is for certain, Prof. Pat Pending and the ring-a-ding converta-car will be in there.

THREE DAYS LATE!!

So, late as usual, I start my top ten lists. I am going to start with my top ten books, although only because I found this list actually quite easy to compile. Primarily because I have only read eleven books, so the only choice I had to make was which one to drop. Not sure about the running order, but here we go.

10. Failed States - Noam Chomsky.
Possibly the finest social/political mind alive today. A real genius, but a man of profound principal. He has been issuing warnings to the world for years, we could do worse than listen every once in a while.

9. Holidays in Hell - P J O'Rourke
An economist by trade, this is an account of his visits to the poorest places on the planet and why they have become so. What makes this book so enjoyable is that amidst so much desperation, he is still very, very funny. Acerbic one minute and compassionate the next, Mr O'Rourke has been entertaining me for years.

8. The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas - John Boyne
Lent to me recently by a good friend, this is a profoundly moving book. To tell you about the content would be a mistake, just get yourself a copy and read it. Then when your children are past 10 years old, read it to them, just to make sure that we never forget.

7. The Point of Departure - Robin Cook
The diaries of a noble man in an increasingly ignoble profession. Both illuminating and funny, it deals with the build up to his resignation stemming from his opposition to British involvement in the Iraq war. Politicians seem to show so little respect for their position these days, that even I am starting to despair of a system that seems to almost welcome deceit and corruption. It remains a terrible shame that he died so soon after leaving office. This book offers a wonderful insight into the mechanics of government, whilst showing a man having to come to terms with a decision he felt compelled to make.

6. Billions and Billions - Carl Sagan
Carl Sagan remains one of the brilliant minds of modern times. One of the worlds foremost astronomers/scientists, he is remembered mostly in this country for the series 'The Cosmos', which he both wrote and presented. This book however is a look at some of the key issues facing mankind as we venture in to 21st century. Whilst I do not agree with all that he proposes, I found it to be thought provoking and challenging. Carl Sagan found out whilst writing this book that he had terminal cancer and had to curtail what was supposed to be a much bigger piece of work. As a footnote, he also wrote the film 'Contact' starring Jodie Foster.

5. A Tale of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
I am not a huge fan of Dickens, but I absolutely love this story. I suspect that most of you have read it, so need no introduction to the plot. I remember being only nine or ten and being mesmerised by the twisting storyline and the ultimate sacrifice.

4. The Very Hungry Caterpillar - Eric Carle
Written in the late sixties, this book has brought untold of joy to all of my children. I don't know why, but this book seems to capture the imagination of every child that reads it. I must have read this book three or four hundred times and it still makes me smile.

3. Mere Christianity - C S Lewis
I know, very predictable. Still, for most people who are starting to think there is something more to life, this will probably be the book that gives them more to think about than any other. I found it to be a marvellous piece of work from a clearly brilliant mind. One thing though, I found that I could only read it in small chunks as it really made my head hurt.

2. The Universe in a Nutshell - Stephen Hawking
It is always difficult when talking about this mans books, as all the hyperbole tends to get in the way. Still, it does make some of the big questions in theoretical physics accessible to thickos like me. I always find it slightly odd that Hawking (and Carl Sagan for that matter) find the presence of God so difficult to accept. It always seems to me that the symmetry of science does nothing but suggest the presence of a really great architect, do you not think?

1. The Bible - God
Big name author, good story and a great central character. A book for all seasons I think. I don't think I need say more, I think it speaks for itself.

I would like to give honourable mentions to Heart of Darkness, Last of the Mohicans and Corialanus.

So there you go. You probably disagree with nine of the ten, but it is my blog and I don't care (tongue is now sticking out). If you think I have missed the mark completely, then feel free to tell me your suggestions, that way I can include them on my 'to read' list.

I LIKE A GOOD LIST

Like all men, I love top 10 lists. I have decided each week to post a top ten list of my favourite somethings. I am going to start this week with my top ten books. If any of you have any ideas about further lists, exotic or otherwise, please let me know your thoughts. I have my top 10 films and sporting moments all cued up, so some more thought provoking ones would be good. Friday will be top 10 day each week. Maybe I could start with the top 10 Welsh genius's....................then again!

I AM NOT STUPID!!!

Unless you have had a really bad education, you will know what this picture represents. I think that for years I have been calling myself a Luddite as a form of self defence, as if I had taken the choice not to embrace technology. The truth, alas, is a different story. I have never had a choice with technology. It has always had a choice with me, and guess what decision it made.....................TO VOMIT ON MY TROUSERS ON A DAILY BASIS!!!!!!!!!!!!! Today, I found a real gem on You Tube that I wanted to share with you. However, after a whole hour of saving all manner of things to my computer, I am still no closer to success. If you are reading this and thinking of all the words that can be used in conjunction with the word idiot, I refer you to the title of this piece. I think I have to face the fact that the modern world and I are starting to take different roads, but that is cool. The road I am taking is the one towards old age, where everything smells of wee and everyone talks scribble. That is no place for modern technology. It is a place for cholostomy bags and midday naps. So, I am out of the closet. I am not a Luddite, I just can't stand computers. Trust me though. the video I tried to show you was really funny.

What a shame

You know, when Kurt decided to take his own life, I think I kind of nodded my head and thought 'no surprise there then'. But today, I listened to him singing 'The man who sold the world' off the unplugged album and felt a real sadness. I think that to put him down as just another self destructive casualty of the industry is the easy thing to do. The music business, I would imagine, must flay away at any semblance of sanity that you may posses, and for somebody like this man, that must be a terrible price to pay. Being born with the desire to exploit your talent knowing that it may be the instrument of your torture...what a nightmare! Just looking at this picture of him and his child made me very morose. He was not just a drug addict or musician, he was also a father and husband (albeit to a total crackerjack) and I feel that I just took the easy route when trying to rationalise his death. Whatever else, he left behind some fantastic music.
I think Post Modern Monk did a piece like this not long ago on Amy Winebottle. Let's hope and pray she can avoid a similar fate.

I HAVE THE ANSWER

On my profile page, I asked the question 'What is your purpose here?', then I saw this. Maybe I have my answer.
Regarding being more blokey yesterday, it backfired. A couple of Ladeeezzz liked the pink rabbit post, but that did not make up for the outrageous text I got from one of my more blokey mates. It serves me right, I should never have walked onto the girlie side of the street. Trainfellow, thanks for putting me straight.

One for the Girls

I have just been accused of being too laddish, having only posted guy type things. Well, I consider myself to be a forward thinking man, so here is one for the laideeeezzz. This 200ft knitted pink rabbit appeared on a hillside in Italy during the night. The people responsible say it is an art installation and say it is supposed to stay there until 2025. IT'S KNITTED......imagine what it is going to smell like. I know I should stand up for my knitted brethren, but frankly this chappie scares me a bit. Italians..............too much time on their hands.

21 - 13 HUZZAR!!!!!!!!!!!!

Above you can see two national treasures. The wonderful, awe inspiring monument to French construction, the utterly unmistakable Eiffel Tower. On the other side, you can see Mr Andrew Sheridan, breaker of French hearts and ribs. Our front row wonderboy literally folded the French tight head prop in two. I am sure sure I could hear the occasional 'sacre bleu' from the scrums on Saturday. It looked and sounded like the poor lad was being squeezed in a prop sized vice. It takes a big man for the big occasion, and our Andrew fits the bill in every sense of the word. In the heady days of super 14's, it is truly a pleasure to watch a proper game of rugby, with big forwards looking to beat each other half to death. Still, however bad the French lad feels, he can console himself in the fact that he did better than Matt Dunning. In the world Cup semi final against the Australians, Sheridan slapped him all the way back to his billabong.
The mighty Andrew Sheridan.......the meanest prop in the world!!!

Grooverider.......4 years groove free

Well I never. The legendary grooverider has gone down a four stretch in chokey for possesion of cannabis in Dubai. Apparently he wore the wrong trousers and forgot that he had a little iddy bit of grass in them. Now let's get this straight. I can't stand weed. It eventually fries your brain, turns you into a lentil eating hippy and gives you a short term memory like a retarded goldfish. However, you don't see stoners going at each other with broken bottles at 2 in the morning outside a club. I know that the UAE is taking a tough line on drugs, but it used to take a tough line on alchhol too. Then they realised that thier oil might run out in the next few years and some kind of tourist industry might be a good idea. Just in case you think I am over reacting, the Fair Trials Commission is looking at a case of a Swiss national who got four years for having three poppy seeds from a bun on his clothes as he arrived into Dubai. You have got to be joking
My considered opinion, the whole world is going mad.

What's in the jar?

First post is this fantastic piece of marketing that a friend found yesterday. Some ad comapny got paid for coming up with this........I am clearly in the wrong business. I could make about twenty disgusting jokes here, but all of them are too obvious so I will refrain. Although I have to say, I would have had to open the jar to see what was in there. Like most blokes, the nads in a jar feeing is something I have experienced on a number of occasions. My thanks to Nai for giving me my opening shot.